Maybe my doctor is right after all. No matter how hard I fight it to prove him wrong, the further into Oct. we get the more the tears come. Whether it's a commercial, a Facebook post, a news story, even just the 'teaser' for a story has me in tears. Seasonal depression. I hate suffering from this disease. It comes from no where and seemingly makes no sense. It gets harder and harder to get outdoors despite the beauty of the day. My obligations are easy to blow off and it is so tempting to get others to fill my 'day' of volunteer work, but instead, since I know the days were hard to fill to begin with, I just pray I don't get called out. The tears come even when I yawn or wake up. I just manufacture more this time of the year and it doesn't take much for them to fall from my eyes. And so I vent. I wrote my Dr. on Tues. to address the situation with meds but haven't heard back from him by today, Fri. I need to start soon as I'm going out of town next week to see my kids after a month of isolation due to the Colorado floods and limited access to town. It will be good to see them again after such a long time but I hate the drive normally, now it will be twice as long to get there as usual. At least four hours which for me is a long drive. I can run numerous errands and be home in under an hour usually so to drive that long is something I just dread. Oh well, it will be worth it and I will stay for a few days. Maybe even four or five. Then make the trek back. Ughhhhh Well I've vented now so I'll close for now and wait for the doctor or his nurse to call me back. I'm sure he'll want to see me and that I dread. Why do I have to go in for the same old thing when all he has to do is call the pharmacy with a 'script? We do what we have to do to get better if even for just a season. Oh I hate this disease.

contrast

The air outside is bright and light, the sky a beautiful blue dotted with snow white clouds, the perfect contrast to invoke peace and comfort.

Inside the air hangs heavy and dark. Illness leaves one chilled and frustrated, unable to enjoy the beauty of what lays right outside the window of her room.

Why, or why or why......damn it anyway.

kids

I've been blessed this summer to have been able to spend many days babysitting my grandchildren and at the same time, spend time with my girls. But for the fourth or fifth time, my son and family have visited here, and not so much as a phone call. I guess they figured since I just saw them and will see them again this weekend, there was no need to see them again. But how fun it would have been to watch them play at the big slide and car 'racing'. I understand he had to have a working weekend and it is hard to drag the kids from place to place, but it still hurts...a little...sometimes more so.

It also frustrates me when I email or call them, very seldom for a mom I must say, and they never get back to me. Almost always I have an important question that is usually time sensitive but they ignore me and it too hurts....

I've decided to start volunteering again, and may not be available all the time to drop and run to Denver to help out. When the weather changes there will be less trips down and months will go by without hearing or seeing from them. Life....

One of those days

I've been keeping an anonymous blog to write about those dark days in my life, not wanting anyone to be able to connect 'it was me' writing. I have to be perfect, can't admit to having bad days because of the stigma. I'm supposed to be cured, but depression is a disease and though I go days, weeks and longer in remission things happen to throw me out of remission. I don't want anyone knowing that, but it is so hard to only be able to share that with my therapist and even then I don't like her knowing it either. Especially the darkest days.

But, part of my frustration now is that I haven't been able to 'find' or access that blog so ....then computer problems with anger me, a doctor who hasn't gotten back to me in a week re: test results etc. Reminds me of a song, "Does anybody care, is anybody listening..." Those who I'm supposed to talk to I no longer trust, those I wish I could tell would think less of me so the loneliness deepens.

Oh, to heck with it...this too shall pass.